You know what im very confused, about what is going inside my head... its like a jar of various types of chocolates and you don't know which one to pick as all of them tempt you, but you can just take one... and there is no one to help you decide, you are standing all by your self.
Every day you think it's gonna get better, but just the opposite happens... Maybe its the mind set but im sure god is playing some game with me.... Don't know for sure what he wants from me.. What he expects me to do or react to it... Im just standing on a crossroad, not knowing which sign or which road would lead me to the place that i belong to.
I try to mend my ways in every way but doesn't happen.. Something or the else goes wrong. Be it professional life or personal life.
Professionally, lets just not get there as i know experience would make me perfect in this business.
Personally, i don't think im too good in handling relationships. May be im meant to be a loner with no one around...
Mom thinks im ignoring her all the while, but how do i explain it to her, what i have been going through here... Now i understand responsibility, and what she has gone through.. It did take time for me to understand though.... She has done a lot for people n relatives in her life which i don't think i can ever do in my entire life. I stand no where close to her... Hats off to her for that... That woman is really the kind of woman that i would wanna be, though i try... i FAIL!!! She went through so many ups and down in her life but she hasn't let anything even touch me...
She protected me from all the pain, was my support when i needed her, be it financially or emotionally. I never wanna let her down. But yet even she misunderstood me a couple of times...
I wanna give her everything that i can and am able of.. I know she is proud of me but still theres something still missing...
The person who i love a lot, fails to understand me at times... I wont deny that even i don't understand him sometimes... Maybe this is what relationships teaches you at the end of the day. Its said you cant clap with just one hand... N yeah its true!!! This is my first and i want it to be the last one. One thing i could not learn was to put my feelings into words. Being the only child and since childhood trying to suppress my feelings within my self, i could never put my feelings into words.. When it comes to expressing, yeah you may call me dumb, but i just can't. I prefer using SMS as a help rather than speaking up. It helps me in a way!!! Although i know its not gonna come handy always.
I can read people sometimes and some times people can read you, but sometimes what the mind is thinking and what the heart is feeling, might just mislead you.
I know it sounds very philosophical but yeah its cent percent true... Some people might call such people who do not know how to express FAKE!!! But, they are just confused people regarding their feelings.
Im confused for some other reason though... my heart tells me believe in what you feel but my mind tells me analyse what ever your heart tells you. The daily changing behavior, the increasing distance, the increasing silence is silently killing me inside. Is there something wrong with me.. Or people around me are changing. Don't understand the game of time at all!!. Don't know how to reduce the distance which is growing day by day, don't know how to break the silences and the walls that are coming in between. Im trying to reach out a hand but seems like my hands are failing to meet the distances.... Expecting some miracle to happen and asking my dad for help but nothings seems to help...
Am i not a good person to hang out with!! Am i not cool enough!!
Whats the problem then??? Can some one help me out...
People seem to be happy with others, but when with me the million dollar smile turns into a frown.... The screaming, the fighting, the tempers rising and things flying.... Im tired!! Wanted to start afresh but it doesn't seem to help.
Hmmmm!!
So yeah that's about it. Im a very confused person to be with......
Not dependent, but yet need help when it comes to feelings....
Not emotionally dead too... Just cant get them out.
